" "Do you always do as you're told?" I glanced over at her. She was smiling cheekily, like she'd won the lottery. She had nice big teeth. "Only if my husband tells me." She hesitated a little. "That's cool. Um, I've never seen a real butt plug before." I was done so I dried it off and held it up in front of her. "Nothing special," I winked. "You're crazy." I tossed the plug in the beach bag and washed my hands and dried them. "I'm just me," I said quietly. She shook her head and backed out of the restroom, the door creaking again as it closed behind her. Adrenaline hit me like a train and my heart pounded in my chest. Fuck! It was absolutely unbelievable what I could do when I was doing as I was told. No responsibility. Just do it. Like 'Nike'! And God... such fun! The small town girl in me would never have done that. Never! I giggled and fixed my hair. Hello? What are you doing? You're in a goddamned convertible for goodness sakes! Feeling a bit light-headed, I laughed out. She seemed to take strength from that fact. And Itook some assurance from her presence, her assertiveness. I knew that if I didn't let her flourish that it would only bedisaster. I realized inside that I needed her to assume the life that sheneeded to assume. If I couldn't behave as a credible woman, Icouldn't conduct the project. I needed to be in control. I neededto be self-aware...even if I wasn't yet sure as to who that 'self'was.I woke up late, still in that bathrobe. My second day. I had thingsI had to do I told myself. But when I went to the bathroom and peedI was overwhelmed again by how remarkable it felt -- something soterribly mundane as just peeing. Sit on the toilet and pee. I can'teven explain how that was those first few times. For a long time,really. I couldn't escape the overwhelming reality of my situation. Therewas no way that I would not project some unique characteristic aboutwho I was now. Even if I am to be Suzanne, I can't detach myselffrom.
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